hello i'm the ultimate NANA DANGEROUS!

~a new refreshing me~

2010-10-09T10:39:00.000+08:00

OMGGGGGG!!! its been like half a year i left this blog, and now I'm just gonna tell what a good life God has gave me after all shits that happen, after all the suffering, I'm just so REFRESHED!! Life has given me 1001 reasons to keep smiling, to put my head up high. I'm finally settling down for a down-to-earth life, started my degree in UiTM Malacca, the best thing I could ever wish for. I have new friends, new enviroment, not forgetting new boyfie, hehehe. Life can't just get pretty amazing. I'm thanking God so much for all these, and my last prayer, may I succed in the final examination that's gonna happen in less than two weeks, keep it up Nana! ooohhh ooohh and i have a huge huge crush on someone, he's really catchy u know! HAHA.. till then, xoxo nana <3

~SATISFACTION~

2010-04-22T23:47:00.001+08:00

Hello blog.

20 - 22 APRIL 2010 (BAHAU).
Seriously Love, it's great we made the trip.
The most magnificent beauty I've ever experienced.
I guess you're also feeling the same.
Seriously, whatever happens after this.
I know it's all for love, and I can't be more happier than this.
and I know we both can't never get enough of each other
U proved me that million times Sayang!
I'm SATISFY!!!SATISFY!!!

It was nice to be in your arms for both nights,
It was good to play snooker with you.
It was amazing how we talk all through the night till 6 am.
It was cool to hang, laugh and see you again.
It was superb I cried my heart out on your shoulder.
It was funny to joke with you in the KTM, "pweety tad"
It was wonderful to know that you did treasured our relationship before.
Oh it was all undeniably good to just be with you.

Sayang do you know that when we made love,
it's the most beautiful thing in the world.
It just feels much better and I feel cured.
And when I kiss u that day,
I just don't wanna stop. I just don't!
I wish this feeling will be here forever.
This time around, the emotion are much greater than before.
I guess when you no longer own something,
it just makes you want it so badly. Sigh!

I'm glad we at last had our truth honest conversation
I guess u and me are both SATISFY now, right?
We just love each other way too much, and it's obvious.
Baby, let us go through this painful game of life
and see what God has prepared for us in future.
I believe both of us are happy with each other now right?
Although we're no longer an item,
Although things are way too different now,
Although you're no longer mine,
Although we have boundaries to reach each other
We connect in such a way nobody would understand.

Honey, I won't lie to u anymore. I promise u this time.
I swear whatever I said was true. Believe me.
If only I could turn back time,
I won't let you bleed even for a drop.
Now I'm giving all to God to detremine
I'll wait for the time you're coming to save me.
So don't hide anything anymore,
No gf, no facebook, no friends, no nothing can stop me.
I love you way too much.
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE U!! ♥♥♥♥♥

Thank you for all the wonderful things you've done.
and sorry for every single shits I've done.

"Cant' Stop A River" by Duncan James.

Gone are the days of my mistakes,
I'd give everything, if everything is what it takes.
I'll bring the sun and I would chase the rain, if I needed to.
But those many ways of mine,
I've been down that road so many times.
And if you depend upon me, then maybe you'll see.

You can't stop the river from flowing to the sea.
Cos some things just happen, like they're meant to be.
And it doesn't matter where you are,
Or where you go, or what you do.
You can't stop my heart from loving you.

There is a dream I keep alive.,
Wonderful and heavenly standing by your side.
Bringing you all the colors love can spare just to be with you.
And there maybe times when I should have been there
To hold you through the night.
And if you depend upon me, then maybe you'll see.

I've been miles away but I'm paying my dues,
But don't worry I wont blame you for a minute, no way no.
I wont blame you this time, please.

~my last goodbye~

2010-04-20T10:37:00.000+08:00

Hello blog.

I'm satisfied enough, I'm promising myself.
I've went out for a movie with him on 15 April 2010.
and today is gonna be the last time we gonna spend time together.
It's great we are doing it, right?
I'm happy enough we manage to make it this far.
I've gotten all the answers I ever wanted.
But in mean time, I wish you won't forget me.
That's all I'm hoping for now.
I know you're too egoistic, but don't let it burn yourself.
I've learned my lesson, all I want is you to be happy.
My arms are all open for you but for now, let me fight this battle.
I promised I will let you live your life from this moment onwards.
I promised never gonna hurt you again or make you cry.
I promised this is gonna be the last time.
Thanks for all the good things.

"If ever you're in my arms again.
This time I hold you much better".

"Long Time" by Blue.

The warmth in your smiles is the warmth that I desire
Cause it's cold and lonely everywhere.
And I need to get close to a place in a fire
And lose myself to yesterdays.

It's gonna be long, long long time.
Till I can be with you again and see your smile
It's gonna be long, long long time.
Till I hold you in my arms all through the night.
Its gonna be long long time.

Looking outside and I feel so uninspired
And it rains all through this lonely night.
I'm losing my mind and my soul is feeling tired.
Cause Boy you are my only one!

Boy I've been missing you, I never thought I feel this way.
All these feelings I have inside grow stronger everyday.
Boy I want you to know that I will never let you go.
You're the only want I want and I want you to know.

~tell me what they know about my love~

2010-04-17T12:34:00.000+08:00

Hello blog.

I've seen enough on him.

There's no love anymore.

Not in himself, and no longer for anyone.

FACEBOOK! I will stay far from you.

Sayang, all the best.

Move on, start your new life.

All my blessed are with you.

I'm sorry I'm the reason that messed your life.

I promised it's the last. Take care.

"Need you now" by Lady Antebellum.

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor

Reaching for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind

For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now

Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door

Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind

For me it happens all the time

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all

Ooo, baby, I need you now

~do you know~

2010-04-14T17:30:00.002+08:00

Do you know the times when I get mad over you,
it's because I love you dearly and I care so much.
Do you know the times when I yell tell me where you're going.
it's because I'm worried you might runaway one day.
Do you know the times when I piss when you don't pickup calls
it's because I'm afraid you might have another woman beside you.
Do you know why I get jealous so often.
it's because I adore you too much and I can't share you .
Do you know why I always nags on you
it's because my responsibilities to correct you, so u don't trip.
Do you know why I always played drama on you
I want you to feel unsafe so you know how to aprreciate me.
Do you know I love tricking you by using "him"
it's because that's the only time you'll be jealous and overprotected.
Do you know why I like fighting with you so much
it's because it's always feels nice to make up again.

Do you know what I love the most about you.
I love your warm heart and your careness.
Do you know what I always dream about you.
I want to be your devoted partner, and you'll be same.
Do you know the one thing I want to change about you
Nothing cause you're perfect in my eyes, yet I know I'll complaint.
Do you know I just wish you would listen for once.
To be the most romantic boyfriend in the whole wide world,
not just to please myself, but celebrating our love all the time.
Do you know I don't need your fancy gifts like others.
But it's enough for you to always hold my hand and never let go.
Do you know what thing you do most making me love u so.
It's when you kiss me gently, and tell me you love me.
Do you know I wish you do that often,
so I'll be happily in love instead of complaining all the time.

Do you know now that you're so far and gone
I miss every inch and every little details about you.
Do you know I think of you every night before I go to bed
Cause I miss lying down next to you, and be in your arms.
and I miss your "Goodnight baby, sweet dreams" text.
Do you know it's never same to be without you now
I miss talking hours on phone with you. I miss the smell of you too.
Do you know I like the way you touch me and play with my hair
Cause that's the moment I'm weakest and it just catch my breath away.
Do you know I'm not used now not having you here
Cause I don't like going out not informing you, it's awkward!
Do you know it's been long since I last saw a movie, or even go out
Cause I only enjoyed it when I'm doing it with you.
Do you know I've rejeceted every single guy that hitted on me
Cause I belong to you, and I'm forever yours baby.
Do you know how much hurt it felt to know you have someone new
It's as much as when a knife just cut your entire body.
Do you know how lonely I feels especially when night comes
It's as much as crying the entire river, but you're nowhere to be found.

Do you know I'm really laughing out loud at you now,
When you give stupid reasons to people why we broke up.
To tell you the truth, you're really not good at lying at all.
Do you even have a valid reason to leave me
or you're just as regretful as I am now.
Do you know even I missed you lots than you could imagine
I still feel you will always be you, never change!
You know how to promise but you haven't fullfill your promises.
Do you know I always wonder where have I done you wrong
To make me feel really bad, as if I don't deserve you.
Do you know I wish you're infront of me this second
Cause I have 1000 question and I only need 1 answer.
Do you know I wish I can start all over again with you
I wish this time around God will be fair to me, for once.
Do you know I wish I wasn't sick and so paralyze like this
So that I can enjoy this wonderful life together with you.
Do you know I wish you are not selfish, and start caring about me
Cause I myself aren't able to look after you all the time.
But most of all, upon all the things I want you to know.
DO YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!
DO YOU KNOW IT? DO YOU

"Remember", I wish you will always remember me.

Remember when we were so in love?
I do, because you were the one I could trust.
Remember when you would hold me tight?
I do, I didn't want you to let go I wanted it to last all night.

Remember when we use to argue about the stupidest things?
I do, because when you got mad it was the cutest thing!
Remember when our love was so strong?
I do, because i thought nothing could go wrong.

Remember when you said you loved me?
I do, I had a great feeling come to me.
Remember when you said you wouldn't lie?
I do, because when i found out all i did was cry.

Remember when you broke my heart?
I do, because you tore my world apart
Remember when you said if we break-up we can still be friends?
I tried but you thought I was wrong so you end me up.

I took you for granted, I thought I had you,
But I didn't instead I ended up loosing you.
You treated me wrong after we broke-up,
How could you? when all I ever wanted to do was make up.

This is the last time you'll hear from me,
Well, unless you be a man and apologize so we can agree.
Life's too short we live what we can,
Just remember call me if you need a hand.

~If~

2010-04-12T16:47:00.001+08:00

Hello blog.

I will never ever forget last night, NEVER!
After almost a month, I just can't hold myself any longer.
This pain, this whole not letting you know the truth is KILLING!
I just wish I could fly him here this very second,
and ease all this worryness that shatterred.
So I decided to ring him, UNBELIEVABLE!
At first, he didn't pick. I thought he hated me.
Then as usual, tears started to flow,
I was terribly feeling regret upon everything.

But then, a few mins after that, he responded.
So I just put every single thing aside,
I don't need any medication no longer.
He was the best drug i could have.
and there we go, spending a wonderful 20 mins conversation.
There were nothing much to talk though,
I was scared, nervous and glad at the same time.
He might think I sounded silly
As I do think I talk all rubbish to him
Haha, sayang u know me right?

From those talk we had, I just knew it
My love for him has never faded even a tiny bit,
and I'm certain about the way he feels too.
Maybe both of us are egoistic
or maybe just don't know how to fix things.
Being so far away from you now,
made me realize I did stupid things on you.
I should just let you know the truth, right?
So that you'll be here, together with me.
Going through all this terrible pains together.

I'm certain what you said before were all true.
Now I realize, Baby you're just so BEAUTIFUL!
I've been looking through all the pics,
comparing when ur with me and ur with her,
a picture doesn't lie, right?
I know she won't make you happy as I am right?
I know sayang, I just know it.
I know you're glad too, to talk with me, right?
So why don't you throw your so-called-EGO,
and start making the right thing you should have done long ago.
that's the only thing I wish now.

P/s: "If", the regrets in me.

If I’d never met you, I wouldn’t feel the pain
Of losing your sweet love; I wouldn’t feel insane.
But if I’d never met you, I wouldn’t know the pleasure
of ecstasy’s warm gifts & memories to treasure.
Now moving on with life, I force a wistful grin,
Questioning what went wrong & wondering what might’ve been

Is it really true our love is over now?
Can it be another time for us to say goodbye?
Too soon, it’s much too soon, My love, for me
You smile with ease, but I can only sigh.
We’ve shared our lives and given so much love
I can’t believe we’re really going to part
you’re moving toward a new life without me
I’m left with scars upon my broken heart.

If only I had done the things that keep true love alive,
I wouldn’t have to acknowledge now that our love cant survive.
If only I had described to you the joy you brought to me,
Instead of bringing you complaints, u wouldn’t have set me free.
If I had loved you stronger, If I had appreciated you,
We would have lasted longer, much much longer.

If I had often said to you, "It’s you whom I adore,"
perhaps you’d still be with me now.
If only I had treated you as if we were best friends,
If I had told you more, I wouldn’t be alone in grief,
As our faded love finally come to an end.
If only I didn’t have to say, "If only, My love, if only,"
I wouldn’t be all by myself; so sorry, sad and lonely.

Only now that you are so gone,
I realize how much you really meant to me.
My lost is wide as a starless night sky & deep as a stormy sea.
I miss the comfort of your sweet love, your absolute devotion.
Now I’m a fountain of endless tears, pool of sad emotion.
He tell me I should move on with life, that time will heal my pain.
I smile & nod & agree with him, while I slowly go insane.

Go on now, if you must; I’ll get along.
How much does this hurts, I don’t want you to know.
I’ll set you free without inducing guilt
But as you leave, the silent tears will start flowing.
I can’t be mad; I love you way too much.
I’ll hide my sadness now, so you can’t tell.
Sweet happiness is what I wish for you.
Farewell my love, I hope that you fare well.

~i love u enough to let u go~

2010-04-12T10:39:00.001+08:00

I still remember that brisk and cool day,
that day we met and my fears were driven away.
Your perfect smile, your joyous laugh,
the way your eyes lit up when we talked about the past.
We would sit and talk for hours on end
about our secrets and our future plans.
Our friendship started to grow much more.
It became a feeling so strong we could not ignore.

We were just friends at the start, always having fun.
Then one day, something just started to sparked.
The next thing I knew, you had my heart.
The days flew by, I lost track of time
Everytime I was with you, I was on cloud nine.
With me in your arms, you told me you loved me,
Then gently kissed my forehead and gave me a squeeze.
I was convinced you were the one for me,
Apart from you, I would never be.

Just when I thought all was well,
Was when you began to put me through hell
I looked into your eyes, trying to find out why,
It was all I could do, not to begin to cry.
Where I once saw love, I saw nothing anymore.
I couldn't believe you no longer felt something.

Once you told me, it would be for the best, just wait and see.
Fate. You said, has brought you to me.
We believed those words, we thought they were true,
but I guess they weren't because now we are through.
Now you’re gone and now I see that it was all because of me.

I lay in bed, counting my tears,
Each representing what I'd hoped would be years.
Years of happiness, for us to be together,
A long-lived life, forever and ever.
But in my heart, I know this will never be,
For in yours, no longer is there a place for me.
I gave you my all, I gave you my heart,
Little did I know that you'd tear it apart.

Everyday I place a smile on my face,
As for tears, there is not a trace.
You ripped me apart, but yet it's true,
Forever and always, I'll still love you
I hurt so many, yet cared so much,
About the wrong person and felt the wrong touch.

I played a game with two hearts,
I thought I was strong, I'd never be torn apart.
I hope you forgive and I hope that you see,
those feelings I have are smothered inside of me.
Someday soon I hope you will find a love that will last you all of time.
You deserve the best in everything you do.

Maybe someday I will see you, with a smile on your face,
Hand in hand with somebody new.
Until that day comes I will be here,
I will be your angel in the light that's so clear.
I'll look out for you when you need me the most,
I will always be around, I will not let you down.
I love you now and I always will, and even though your not mine,
my heart holds you still, for this is surely it.

~a (good as) dead lover~

2010-04-09T10:42:00.005+08:00

Hello blog.

DELETED. I'M DELETED. ME? DELETED?
THANKS ALOT. NOW I UNDERSTAND.
HOW COULD U SAYANG? HOW?
IT"S OK, I'LL DISTANCE MYSELF THEN.
I'LL TRY MY BEST TO, BUT I CAN'T PROMISE.
THERE MIGHT BE TIME WHEN I'LL NEED U SO MUCH.
BUT IF THAT'S WHAT GONNA MAKE U HAPPY,
FOR NOW, LET ME LEAVE U THEN.
AND REMAIN DELETED.....

I hate you because I can in so many ways
You don't understand and you never tried to.
You only know to play the so-called cool guy.

On my birthday, I wished for a bed of roses
And a pool of love, but you being the always you
text-ed me a "happy birthday to you".
On our first date, I wished you make me feel special
instead, I have to put words into your dried mouth & barren heart
When our eyes first met,
you promised me mountains of hope & happy times.
Those eyes were indeed deceiving.

At night when I lay alone on bed
I felt like calling you...a coward!
Am I wasting my prime, waiting for you?
Before, I'd say "No"
Now, I don't know, as I am numb.

Do I regret falling for you?
No, I thought you were the one
Yes, because you've proven to be, none!
How much do I hate you?
As little as I hate my exes,
and as much as I pity their now girlfriends.
Will I then die for you?
Only God have the answer.

To the person I'd love forever,
I wished the relationship could be better.
You scold, you shout, you nag, you get fierce
When coldness is piercing you get mad .
When a battle is losing you made me believed
I'm the cause of difficulties.

Faults, mistakes and even sins
I bear the blame , for I am the seed
You made me do, things you wished you could have .
Not wanting to hurt, I kept my mouth shut
And let my soul bled .
You criticized my every claim, we debated night and day
Our world left in a mess, till the day we're laid in rest

To the person I'd cherish forever,
Thanks for breathing life into me.
Teaching me how to love & not to express it freely.
I wished I could be better so that our life in the world after
Filled with love and tender.

~my anger~

2010-04-07T04:00:00.004+08:00

Hello blog.

A week I haven't been online, been busy arranging this "new life" thing.
Was excited, as usual, expecting something from him.
But today surprised me to my bones. Shoot me to death!
Hmm I'm upset, too much upset.I don't know how to express this.
Why does it always have to be me? Why am I always hurt, isn't it enough?
I thought I had impacted him in so many ways, as much as he did to me.
I guess I was wrong all this while. He's a total jerk, bad ass!
How could he replaced me this fast? How possible?
How could he say he loves her when it haven't been up to a month?
How can everything been easy for him all the time?
I thought he would have missed me, I thought he wanted me back.
He came and asking if there were still chances.
so why did he changed his heart in just seconds.
Why did he played me this hard, this cruel?

I know, he's happy without me. Good for u dear!
May you get what you wanted, may she loves you then.
Seeing your pics, it makes me wanna puke.
Not to say I'm perfect or that I'm good enough for you,
but how possible that kind of lady you chose to replace me?
Oh God! I know you can do better than this.
or was it just to make me bleed, again and again?
Well I'm not jealous over her, I'm mad over you.
You haven't done so to me, never left me sweet messages on my fb wall.
Never wanted being so romantic in public,
Never wanted to reveal me to your friends and family,
Never want this, never want that, then what happened?
Why must it be her this time? What's so special about her?
Why you've been unfair to me all the time?

Please, get out of my life sayang.
Get out of my mind, I mean it.
Just get out from my heart. Sigh!

P/S: "I'm Angry" to my so called beloved one.

I’m angry because you pursued me relentlessly
and told me you wanted me to be your girlfriend.
I’m angry because I learned you did that with others
while we were still together.

I’m angry because you lied when you told me
you weren’t attracted to women I later learned you screwed.
I’m angry because I can’t tell you how angry I am.
I’m angry that it makes me hurt when I see, hear or write your name
even when it isn’t you who’s being referred to.

I’m angry that you led me to believe you wanted a life with me.
I’m angry that I can’t just come over your place when I feel like it.
I’m angry that you probably let me if I wanted and that I have to resist.
I’m angry because I can’t talk to you.

I’m angry because I’m lonely, so very lonely.
and you have several lovers vying for your attention.
I’m angry I don’t know exactly when you began disregarding my feelings.
I’m angry that I don’t know what things you said were true & were not.

I’m angry you never tried harder. Why didn't you?
I’m angry I liked you so much in the beginning that I ignored the signs.
I’m angry it took 1 and half years to find someone so easy to be around.
and I’m afraid it may be even longer until I do again.

I’m angry I fell in love with you.
I’m angry because I don’t have a crush on anyone right now.
I’m angry because I haven’t been happy for months.
I’m angry because I can’t just make things right.

I’m angry when strangers in stores or on the street tell me to “smile.”
I’m angry that you are having fun and not suffering like I am.
I’m angry that I’m jealous of whoever’s in your life now.
I’m angry there are so many of those things, which I can't take it.

I’m angry that when I suggested that you take some time to be single,
you emphatically said you didn’t want that, not at all.
because you were happy with our relationship. duh!~
I’m angry that I believed for so long that you loved me.
I’m angry I haven’t moved on. Not haven't but can't.
I’m angry that I don’t really know the real you at all.

I’m angry that I feel like crying right now.
I’m angry because I never have a truly honest conversation with you.
I’m angry because I have to avoid you, even up till now.
I’m angry that it hurts me deeply when I see things you would like
or be interested in or when I hear someone else talk about them
because it definitely will remind me about you.

I’m angry because others knew about your behavior before I did.
I’m angry I'll never know the meaning our relationship had for you.
I’m angry because I will never know how you really felt about me.
I’m angry because I still think of you, every second, every time.

~the thoughts of the broken heart~

2010-04-07T03:16:00.001+08:00

I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to tell you mostly,
I hate that I'm so afraid of everything.
I hate that you’re the one thing I want the most but can't have.
I hate that you let me go before I even got to say goodbye.
I wish that you would come back to me.
I wish I were strong enough to say no to you.

I wish I could believe my own lies I use to cover up the pain you left.
I need to move on says my head, I need to hold on says my heart.
I need to decide says my mind, but I just can't.
I envy the way this hasn’t hurt you at all, not a tiny bit.
I envy her, ALOT, do u know that?
I envy the fact you don’t understand what this feels like at all.
I want to hurt you, I want to be with you.
I want this nightmare to be over.

I wish I could make things they were before you came along.
I wish I could change time, I wish I could change you.
I wish I could have hurt you before you hurt me.
I wish I would have given you the letter when I wanted.
I need you out of my thoughts, I need you out of my heart
I need to start doing the right things for me.

I hate that you used me, I hate that I wasted it with you.
I hate that I gave you something I can never have back.
I'm tired of hoping aimlessly for you,
I'm tired of wanting something I can't have,
I'm tired of hurting myself for things that aren’t my fault.

I'm sorry I wasn't good enough, I guess.
I'm sorry I defended you when everyone else was right.
I'm sorry I couldn’t make you any happier.
Funny though how you never once said sorry for hurting me,
For breaking me, for not loving me, anymore.

~loving you so much~

2010-03-30T11:59:00.000+08:00

Hello blog.

It's my birthday today. I'm turning 21.
I guess so much unexpected things happen.
He called me, to wish me. ME, ME, OK?
It was just a 18 second conversation, but it feels heaven.

This morning while I was working as usual,
I received a text from him, again wishing me birthday.
I thought he was just trying to be nice.
Then as we go on, he apologised to me.
My tears started flowing, how I wish I could just say to him,
"It's ok baby, I've forgive you long ago".
But then, I was too egoistic. Don't blame me sayang!
And we texted as usual, asking how's life and so on.

Suddenly I just felt like asking him,
"How's life without me?"
and he said "Hmm kinda boring".
From that moments onwards, it just took us to another level.
I'm sorry for being sarcastic, I know I was.
I really wana be with you, but I'm scared.
Scared to lose you again.

Don't worry sayang, when the time comes surely it comes.
If it was meant to be, it will always meant to be.
My love is still same, haven't change not a bit.
I hope it does on your part, too.
Thanks for not forgetting my birthday.
Thanks for still put a hope on me.
I love you, so much, so so much.

p/s: "Loving You So Much", a poem for him.

The moment I think about you

I go to another world

A world where you love me too

And where I can never be hurt

The truth is I don’t know what to say

My mind goes completely blank

I have never in my life lost my way

But my heart with your love simply sank

If letting go was a choice

Then I definitely would

But I can't control the strong voice

That's telling me I never should

I have no clue

On how I should let you go

What is it that you do?

That's making me love you so

Maybe loving you isn’t a mistake

Maybe I can close my eyes and smile

Maybe in your presence my heart wouldn’t break

Maybe I can just dream for a while.

I sometimes wonder if you feel the same

I wonder if you think of me

I sometimes wonder if you silently call my name

I wonder if you'll ever see.

In the beginning I thought it was fake

I didn't think I'd go this far

I thought it was just a mistake

Now I can't stop wondering where you are

The question is do you care?

Do you even know?

Will you always be there?

Will you ever let me go?

If for any reason I cried

Would you take all the pain away?

If for any reason you lied

Would I still want you to stay?

My love for you is way too strong

For me to simply forget

Some people might think it's wrong

But your love is the one thing I shan't regret.

~best friend~

2010-03-28T15:32:00.001+08:00

Love, do u know how happy was I last night?

Do u know how happy I am to lastly cried,

to lastly feel relieved, to lastly feel loved again?

Do u know how hard is all this for me?

I tried my best, I really did.

I'm sorry, I had to tell him it was over between me and you.

I can't do this any longer. I can't keep on pretending.

I couldn't lie to his eyes, I had to depend on him now.

He told me everything's gonna be fine between us.

That you shall be back; truth is he's lying!

I know he was just trying to please me, as usual.

But I know, there was nothing fine.

Through time like this, I wonder..

Why have u not even once tried to get to know him?

Do u know I've held on through our relationship,

all because of him, he made me realize things.

Times when u hurt me, times when I knew what I wasn't suppose to.

He was all here for me, coaxing me to always believe in u.

Why?why?why?

I'm so jealous, over him.

He has the greatest partner, and I'm left here all alone.

I'm so stupid, I said that to myself everytime.

I wish u always realized what me and him are all about.

I love u sayang, not him. Don't u know that?

Between me and him, yes I know I can't leave him.

He's my true friend, and the only one has never hurt me.

He's the only one I could ever trusted, and never judged me.

He's there every single time my heart breaks,

because I always meet the so called wrong guys.

He was even there through my happiness with u.

He believed I'm so madly in love with u,

that's why he needed to care so u won't hurt me.

If only u once sit and listen.

I've never loved him, as much as I did to u.

Sayang, why?why? I can't stop asking that.

Now u left me, I'm lucky he's here to make me go through this pain.

As usual, he'll be here, the "one ring" guy, is that fair?

But to tell u, this is what it called FRIENDSHIP.

He wanted to confronted u, I guess there's no need.
I told him, if u wanted to trust me.

U'll believe since first i said, but u don't. Right?

U always judge me, when truth is u're the one keep on cheating.

U think I didn't know all that u did?

U think I didn't know what u've been up to.

But all through it, I blinded my eyes.

Just to save this little love I'm getting from u.

How I wish I could just slap u in the face,

for all the time u made me cry.

How I wish I could just beat u up,

for all the time u've been lying but u blamed me.

How I wish I could've just killed u.

But how do I do that, tell me just how.

How do I hate someone I love dearly?

I wish u were him, he was my bestfriend.

He is someone who'll always be beside me.

Too bad he wasn't the guy I love.

Do u know every single time u accused me and him,

I break into tears.

If only u see what I see everyday.

He truly loves the gf, she's the most luckiest girl in this world.

I want to be like her, but I want him to be you.

I want us, not me and him, US!!!

U don't know things he said to me,

U don't know things he ask me to do for u.

U just don't know.

Even till this very second, he's still supporting me.

on our relationship, how do i find a friend like that?

How I wish u knew all this, but u DON'T!

I'm happy for last night, I had a shoulder to cry over u.

I'm trying my best now, to really get over u.

I'll soon leave all of this, to forget u.

I'm also leaving him, and all my loved ones, for u.

It's not fair, I have to do every single thing.

every single time, because of you.

But it's okay, you're all worth it,

even we didn't have much time together.

You're my sweetest drug, Love!

P/S: "Goodbye" by Air Supply.

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try.
You deserve to have so much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize.
And I'll never criticize all you've ever meant to my life.

I don't want to let you down, I don't want to lead you on

I don't want to hold you back, from where you might belong.
You would never ask me why, my heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore.
I would rather hurt myself, than to ever make you cry.
There's nothing left to say but good-bye.
You deserve the chance at the kind of love.
I'm not sure I'm worthy of, losing you is painful to me.

~please forgive me~

2010-03-27T11:28:00.000+08:00

Tonight is the night

Everyone is getting ready,

Wan and the girls are here at my home.

I should be happy right?Its my night.

But despite these smile I've shown, I just miss u.

Stronger and stronger, each second.

Baby, I've been listening to this song, over and over again.

I posted in facebook too, hoping u would noticed.

Just wanna dedicate it, especially for you.

"Please forgive me" by Brian Adams.

It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss and it's getting better baby
No one can better this, I'm still hold on and you're still the one
The first time our eyes met it's the same feeling I get
Only feels much stronger and I wanna love you longer
You still turn the fire on.

So If you're feeling lonely.. Don't!
You're the only one I'd ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love you a little more than I should

Please forgive me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you
Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through
Please forgive me,If I need you like I do
Please believe me ,every word I say is true
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you.

Still feels like our best times are together
Feels like the first touch, we're still getting closer baby
Can't get close enough I'm still holding on.
You're still number one.
I remember the smell of your skin, I remember everything.
I remember all your moves, I remember you
I remember the nights you know I still do.

One thing I'm sure of is the way we make love.
And the one thing I depend on is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath I'm praying
That's why I'm saying.

~my prayers for you~

2010-03-26T14:00:00.002+08:00

Oh baby! U made me smile, at least enough for today.
At least enough for me to know you're there.
I'm glad finally u replied my text, oh that's the sweetest!
Still I'm sad, you're having bronchitis, I'm so worried about u,
and I could not stop thinking what if something worse will happen.

I'm so sorry to hear about ur sickness,
How I wish I could run straight away to u.
I'm holding my every best, so that I won't sound like I cared that much,
or showed u that I still wanna know things about u.
It hurts me so much to act as if I'm just trying to be nice,
When u don't know the truth is, I just feel terriby bad sayang!
I'm sorry I can't ask much and I'm sorry for still pretending.

I know u'll put through, trust me I won't stop praying for u.
I wish I could tell u, see that's why I've been nagging all this while.
I tried holding back from saying to you,
"You should eat this, you should do that, don't be stubborn"
I bet u still remember that's why u called me nurse.

Suddenly my tears started to run slowly,
I didn't realize I cared that much.
Love, be safe, be healthy, don't give up!

Almighty God,You are the everlasting health of those who believe in You. Hear us for Your sick servant, for whom we implore the aid of Your tender mercy, that being restored to bodily health. O God of heavenly powers, by the might of your command you drive away from our bodies all sickness and all infirmity. Be present in your goodness with your servant, that his weakness may be banished and his strength restored; and that, his health being renewed, he will be bless by You.

~forever connected~

2010-03-26T10:37:00.002+08:00

Hello blog.

Today is the 26th. My 26th. His 26th. Our 26th.
I have never forgotten it my dear, do you?

How I wish I could just pick up the phone
and ring u now, this very second.
but I just can't, not anymore. I'm not strong!
I tried texting u, but there was no reply.
I heard you're sick, and suddenly my world feels so numb.
I was supposed to be there for u, right?
I was supposed to be the one easing your pain.
but just look at our distance sayang. Sigh!

Tomorrow night, I'm going for the dinner, my pre-grad night.
and I don't even feel like going, because it's nothing.
I'm sorry to go with the guy u dislike. I had no other choice.
How I really wish u were here now, I know u'll be all worry about me.
Telling me that I should behave well, telling me I shoudn't go with him.
Telling me you're jealous, just tell me that!
And u are supposed to be there too, together with me.
Hmmm, too bad, past is just past.

Love, I miss you soooooooo much, don't you?
I miss the smell of you, I miss the hugable you.
I miss your passionate kiss, and your tenderness touch.
I just miss every little thing about you!
Wherever you are, I just wanted to say to you.
Happy 17th month Anniversary Sayang!
I love you, and will always do.

P/S: "Forever Connected", a poem created just for him.

Every moment we spent together
Has touched our lives, our souls forever.
The things that we shared and learned
Is permanent growth that we've earned.

The person that I have grown into today
Did not get there by chance, no way.
I am who I am partly because of you
And you are you because of me, too.

The changes I see in this years
and what I have learned about me
are a response to how we affected our lives
and what we discover in each other's eyes.

It is uncertain if we have to part or one day live together
Either way, we have touched our lives forever!
No matter what the future will show.
No matter what we are told, we'll make it through.

We are connected on such a deep levels
That no one can remove that, not even the devil.
Our feelings might be different a year from now
But you are part of me forever somehow.

A part of me will always be you
and a part of you will always be me.
No matter what happens, that much is certain
Our souls are one until life closes the curtain.

I will love you dearly, forever.
For worse or for better.
You are tattooed in my heart
And nothing can tear our souls apart.

I will never forget you,
For my love is always honest and true.

~why??~

2010-03-24T17:58:00.000+08:00

Hello blog!

Why does love has to be broken all the time?
Why cant human just love till the end of time, why?
Why does he seems to be just fine without me?
Why everything is so easy on his side?
Why did he impacted me this strong?
Till I cant breathe, till I cant continue living?

Today, exactly one week after he went away.
A week without him, and all through it with pains and tears.
Never once i mentioned to anybody that our love has come to end
Maybe I cant, maybe I'm embarassed, I dont know.
I dont hate him, at all. Infact this love grow greater each day.
All my life I've been praying to meet a guy like him,
now I've found one, he left me, with nothing!

This whole week, without fail, I go online every single minute,
I hang on to my phone every single second,
Wishing and hoping I could hear from him.
Sadly, he's pretty fine without me, he dont miss me.
Not at all, as I hope he would have been.
Why did he forget me? How did this doesnt affect him?
I keep on asking and asking. It's just not fair.
It wasnt me searching for him, he came out of nowhere,
He opened my heart and now he went but he locked it up.

Last night, he chatted me up on facebook, for the first time.
Unfortunately, only to show how fine he was.
Not being the guy that promised to stay with me forever.
Fuuny he still remember to download something I ask long before.
Guess I should be happy, at least he remembered!
On that second onwards, I set my mind up
"Nana! He wont care anymore, stop dreaming! Focus and move on!"
But how can I do that, when I still see him everywhere?
when everyone's around still asking about him.
I don't know how long will I keep on pretending. Sigh!

Nobody understand this heartache, nobody will.
I have reason for keeping silent, I hope one day he'll understand.
I wish him a happy life, if he have found someone new.
I wish she could take care of him, as I would if I had the chance.
Although I know, she would never able to love him like I do
Not anyone, not anybody can.

I know he's in pain, I feel every sadness and emptiness he feels.
But how do I help him, how can I sayang?
I pray God will grant him good life, enough of suffering him please.
I pray he will be healthy, I'm praying from far for u dear.
I'm so worried now you're sick, I wish I was there!
My prayers will always help u get through your days.
My love will always keep u safe and warm.
No matter our distance, no matter what time, I'm always with u.
But u wont notice it, because u've deleted me.
And I'll remain deleted, hiding far fom u.

Later when I'm gone, please don't cry for me.
As I couldn't bare seeing your tears.
But please be happy of our memories, the love we once cherish.
Because that is the only things that's keeping me alive now.
Reminiscing the times I spent with you, beautifully.
I was truly happy, Love, I am.
and I feel terrible I never had the chance to say this to you.

The saddest part, part I regret most was
I was really dreaming that someday I will be your wife, to have my perfect family
I was really planning to go see the world with you, on vacations
I was really working hard each night and day to get us going in future, so we have tons of money and we dont have to worry about any.
I was really hoping that our love will be blessed, and I will be healed
I was really starting to plan all this, the day when u said,
"Are u ready to start your life with me?"
And now what's left, nothing, only my regrets.

Love, may we meet hereafter, or in the next life.
Because even if I die, my love remains.
Till we meet again ;'(

~love letter~

2010-03-21T12:33:00.000+08:00

Dearest Love

It is very important for me to express to you how much you really mean to me. I wish I could do this in person while holding you in my arms and gazing into your eyes. But since we are physically separated by miles of emptiness, this expression must come in the form of letters such as this.

Love, I know it is difficult for you, as it is for me, to be separated for so long. Life seems to be full of trials of this type which test our inner strength, and more importantly, our devotion and love for one another. After all, it is said that "True Love" is boundless and immeasurable and overcomes all forms of adversity. In truth, if it is genuine, it will grow stronger with each assault upon its existence.

Love, our love has been assaulted many times, and I am convinced that it is true because the longer I am away from you, the greater is my yearning to be with you again. You are my Charming Prince, and I am your devoted Princess. I cherish any thought of you, prize any memory of you that rises from the depths of my mind, and live for the day when our physical separation will no longer be.

Until that moment arrives, I send to you across the miles, my tender love, my warm embrace, and my most passionate kiss.

~starting this new journey~

2010-03-20T11:47:00.001+08:00

Hello blog.

I guess time run fast when ur happy,
and it slows down when ur sad.
I just realized how much I miss my life,
partially the part when he was still here, right beside me.
The purpose of this blog is all about him, the love of my life.
on how much love we had, and on how much hatred this years has build.

26102008- a day i will never forget.
its the start of something good,
and 18032010- a day i wish will never comes
its the end of something bad.

God, I want to dream again, He made me believe in dreams.
I could not go a second without thinking "WHY"
Why did I ever do the stupidest mistake ever?
How will I survive this world alone? no longer with him.
I feel like dying, but even death wont accept me.
I want to go, take away what's left on me.
And build this half piece he left with me, again.

Im still breathing now, wishing that my last breath
will come when I'm in his arms
I'm still going strong, wishing I could see him
when the last moment of my life comes
I wish he knew what was it all about
Why did I became such, why didn't I speak the truth?
Why am I always doing this mistake??

I hope deep down him, he will never forget me.
I want to live this world peacefully, knowing that he did once love me
But I guess, its all too late, its over now.
He will never know the truth, and I will never have chance to say it.

How I wish the time I had, I've used wisely
How I wish I told him how much I love him.
How I wish things didn't turn this way.
How I just wish so much things were different...
But wish is just wish, I've never regret anything, though.

If I had the chance to do it again, I'll still pick this.
I'll stick pick to meet him, in any condition.
He was the greatest part of my short journey
And will always remain that.
Thank you, LOVE.

~thats what i called love~

2010-03-20T11:28:00.000+08:00

I love you, I love you, I love you

Baby I love you
You are my life
My happiest moments weren't complete
If you weren't by my side
You're my relation
In connection to the sun
With you next to me
There's no darkness
I can't overcome

You are my raindrop
I am the seed
With you and God, who's my sunlight
I bloom and grow so beautifully
Baby, I'm so proud
So proud to be your girl
You make the confusion
Go all away
From this cold and mixed up world

I am in love with you
You set me free
I can't do this thing
Called life without you here with me
Cause I'm Dangerously In Love with you
I'll never leave
Just keep lovin' me
The way I love you loving me

And I know you love me
Love me for who I am
Cause years before I became who I am
Baby you were my man
I know it ain't easy
Easy loving me I appreciate the love and dedication
From you to me
Later on in my destiny
I see myself having your child
I see myself being your wife
And I see my whole future in your eyes
Thought of all my love for you sometimes make me wanna cry
Realize all my blessings I'm grateful
To have you by my side

Every time I see your face
My heart smiles
Every time it feels so good
It hurts sometimes
Created in this world
To love and to hold
To feel, to breathe, to love you.
I love you , I love you, I love you